My hobbies include hacking, hanging out with friends, playing ARGs, and hanging out with friends while playing ARGs. ARGs are Alternate Reality Games. This story starts when I hacked into the most popular game in the world – Harajuku Fun Madness. Online, I went by h3ll0 k1tty, pronounced “kiss my a$$.” People tell me I’m pretty spunky, and to those people I say, duh. You may be wondering why I decided to hack a popular ARG based out of a different country. The answer is pretty simple actually – 1) because I can and 2) because I’m a terrorist.
If you think you misread that, go ahead and read it again, I’ll wait. Terrorist. T-E-R-R-O-R-I-S-T. Good. Now that we got that sorted, we can continue with my story.
How does a cute, nerdy, Asian chick of 18 become a terrorist you ask? Simple. I was born this way. Just kidding…kind of. I wasn’t actually born a terrorist but I did become one at a very young age. I guess when I was three years old would be a reasonable estimate. When other kids were watching Barney and Friends or Sesame Street, I was watching videos made by terrorist groups that explained how terrible and evil America was. Other children were taken to the park and got to play with fun toys. My parents made obstacle courses for me out of our furniture and string. If I completed the obstacle course without hitting any of the string, I got to have any dessert I wanted. If I didn’t I got Brussels sprouts. What? Did you expect that I was going to say that they didn’t feed me if I failed? We’re terrorists, not monsters.
I had been training for missions my whole life. When I was little my parents would take me to Toys R Us and tell me that anything I managed to take out of the store without detection, I could keep. Let’s just say I had a lot of toys as a kid. I was a natural – combine the threat of lifelong imprisonment with Asian perfectionism and you get an A+ terrorist. Before you question my morals or ethics or whatever, because I could really care less, no – I didn’t always know what I was doing. My parents eventually explained to me that all the games they would have me play were actually training strategies and that the US had hurt our family very badly so now we wanted to hurt them back. I never asked what was done to us. I didn’t need to. My parents loved me, fed me, and took care of me. If they wanted me to be a terrorist too, then fine by me. It’s impressive how impressionable children are and how strong an emotion loyalty is. I hear that children terrorists are all the rage now so just think of me as part of the norm.
For the last 6 years, since 9/11, my family and the organization we were a part of, have been planning another hit on the country. This time, it would be San Francisco that would be rocked in the chaos. There’s a little earthquake humor for you. You’re welcome. The plan was all set and ready to go, my family trusted me with the mission. After all, it was basically my idea. They knew that it needed to be big and I knew just the thing to explode. I spent all summer gathering the necessary supplies for the explosives and building them with my family. Believe it or not, bomb building is an excellent family bonding activity. All that was left to do was send the message that there was something new up on Harajuku Fun Madness and my little minions would do the rest.
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