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I have been captivated by music all my life. I began taking piano lessons when I was six, but before I started playing, I remember hearing my older sister fill the house with her beautiful music. I took piano lessons throughout high school and benefited from such thrills of a relaxing energy whenever I would play. It quickly became part of my identity.
Now that I am at Santa Clara, I am studying Music as my Minor. The studies were rigorous, but worthwhile as I slowly became a better musician. I primarily sing these days, but still feel a dramatic pull towards music. For a long time, I have felt drawn to music in a spiritual way. I feel the most prayerful when I sing, or hear beautiful music in church. I am drawn, or seduced by music in this way because music takes over my being in these moments. I am neither distracted by outside events nor internal sufferings or thoughts when in the presence of music.

Other times, I am seduced by the beauty of music. This type of seduction is very painful. The music hurts me because it is so good. It is a pain that I look forward to when I hear this beautiful sound. I’m not sure if this makes me a masochist, but I do feel the closest to music when it is painfully moving. I feel a pain deep in my heart, down to the depths of my stomach and core. I find music sinfully beautiful, at times so simple yet sad through its complexity. I am vulnerable to this seduction, because I enjoy it. I want to be enveloped and lost in music. I love the way I hear it in my ears and throughout my body, how it vibrates on my skin, catches my breath, and closes my eyes.

I am very passionate about music. But, I do not think that it is my “calling.” Though I do not know what my calling actually does have in store for me, I do not think that I will be singing on stage for the rest of my life. However, even though I am very much seduced by music, on my lips or in my ears, I know that it will not become my lifestyle.
I suppose that I have not found my calling, but I continue to have hope that one day I will be seduced into something that will lead to extended passion, commitment and competence. The battle and search continues...

Music as a passion...